All children will exhibit some form of defiance at one point or another. It is important to discuss with your children their reasons for acting out but sometimes we need a more structured approach. These are simple strategies that you have likely heard before but maybe this will give you a refreshed perspective.
1. Make sure your child knows expectations.
I often hear parents say "They know what is expected" when referring to their children. This is likely true but the fact of the matter is, if you tell you child right before entering a store that they will not be getting a toy, they are less likely to ask or through a tantrum when told no. Just do both of you a favor and tell them what is expected.
2. Make sure they know the consequences AND STICK TO THEM!
In addition to letting them know what is expected, make sure they know their consequences. For example, if you do not do your chores, you will not get to play your game. Of course the tough part is sticking to this but if you don't, then your child is learning that what you say means nothing and this defiance is going to spiral out of control. Stay consistent. Remember, no 2nd chances and no bargaining. All parents know this can be exhausting, which brings me to point 3.
3. Choose your battles.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying to let your children run a muck because you are too tired or just don't care about what they do but sometimes as parents we get on a power trip ourselves. Pick what is really important and don't waiver but also examine your expectations every once in a while and see if they are reasonable. Talk to a professional if you are unsure if your expectations are unreasonable.
4. Don't engage.
Do not get into a power struggle with your child. Just know the more you engage the more control you are giving away. Let them know you have already discussed this and you are not discussing it anymore and walk away.
5. Praise the positive.
When you let your child know that you have seen and appreciate their good behavior, they are more likely to keep doing that behavior. You don't always have to give rewards but an encouraging word can go a long way with children.
6. Make time to talk.
Make time to explain your rules to your children. Also, let your children know that sometimes you can not give them your reason when they want it. Let them know that there are times that you will be busy or preoccupied and not able to explain at that exact moment. Reassure them that when these times come, they simply need to trust that you have their best interest in mind and they just need to follow what you advise.