Attachment
- jenecompton
- May 6
- 2 min read
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of anxiety or avoidance in your relationships, wondering why love seems so effortless for others but complicated for you? Or maybe you feel like you're "too much" or "not enough"—constantly trying to manage how close or distant you are to others. If this sounds familiar, attachment theory might offer the clarity you've been seeking.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory explains how the bonds we form with others shapes our emotional and relational patterns.
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy.
Anxious (also called preoccupied): Crave closeness but often fear abandonment.
Avoidant (also called dismissive): Value independence and often suppress emotional needs.
Disorganized (also called fearful-avoidant): Desire closeness but fear intimacy, often linked to trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
How Attachment Presents in the Self
Your attachment style influences your internal narrative—your sense of self-worth, emotional regulation, and how safe or unsafe you feel in closeness. Here’s how each style might present in your inner world:
Secure individuals tend to have a stable self-image. They’re more likely to believe “I’m lovable, and others can be trusted.”
Anxious individuals may struggle with self-doubt and rumination. Their inner voice often says, “I need to earn love,” or “I’m not enough.”
Avoidant individuals might pride themselves on self-sufficiency, sometimes at the cost of denying their own emotional needs. Internally, they may believe, “I can only rely on myself.”
Disorganized individuals often have conflicting self-views. They may desire love deeply but fear vulnerability. This can lead to an internal tug-of-war: “I want closeness, but I don’t trust it.”
These internal scripts aren’t permanent—they’re adaptive strategies, but they can impact how we relate to ourselves and others. Change usually comes through awareness, self-reflection, and relational healing.
How Attachment Affects Relationships
Attachment styles deeply influence how we behave in romantic relationships, friendships, work dynamics, and even with our relationship with God. The "attachment dance" is a metaphor used to describe the repeating, often unconscious, emotional patterns that partners engage in based on their attachment styles. It's the back-and-forth dynamic of how two people seek connection, manage distance, and respond to emotional needs—often in ways that trigger and reinforce each other’s deepest insecurities.
Anxious types may become overly preoccupied with the relationship, fearing abandonment and seeking constant reassurance. This can create pressure on partners and lead to emotional burnout.
Avoidant types may keep emotional distance, struggle with vulnerability, and find it hard to rely on others. Their partners may feel neglected or rejected.
Disorganized types often experience intense emotional swings—wanting love but pushing it away when it feels threatening. This can make relationships feel unstable or chaotic.
Secure types, on the other hand, are generally comfortable with intimacy and independence. They can navigate conflict more easily and build trust over time.
Final Thoughts
Attachment theory doesn’t put you in a box—it gives you a roadmap. Whether you’re exploring your past wounds, navigating a difficult relationship, or learning to feel safe in love, understanding your attachment style is a powerful first step.
Below is a link to a quiz to begin identifying your attachment style
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